What's love got to do with it?

Relationships. A very funny business. Over the years I've questioned myself as to why I never got married. First answer was, nobody ever proposed. Stupid high school boyfriend proposals don't count. I knew after year 2 with that joker that I wasn't about to align my future with a self absorbed ass hat. Perhaps that's when my attitude began?
I've always noticed that the majority of my female friends always had to have a boyfriend. They were never even very particular either. I suppose that is why they always had one. Never understood that one. I'm the pickiest person on the planet. I'd rather hold out for, than settle. Perhaps my very first relationship either cured me or cursed me.
It wouldn't be until many years later, that I acquired a 2nd boyfriend. He was a good friend and it turned into a 'thing'. Those I always found, were the best kind. Sadly that didn't last for long. He started pinch hitting for the other team a few years after we broke up. I never saw that one coming and I have a very good instinct about those things. Turns out, I'm very happy for him. Someone should be happy, right?
It wouldn't be until many years later that I found myself in love again for the third time. I moved to the beach and fell in love with another friend. This one started out pretty turbulent. He was obviously not the boyfriend type. You see? I have this thing about boyfriends. Its more of a rule, really. Loyalty and fidelity while together. Period. Needless to say, I caught him with his best friend's girl and it ended badly. He moved away for a few months. I'll never understand why, but he contacted me on his way back to town and BOOM. We were a couple again, this time for real. For about a year, we were good. Once he started back into his old patterns, that was the end of that. No big surprise there.
After that horrible ending, I decided I was done with the whole relationship theory. For years I just stayed single. I stayed content with the whole casual thing. Obviously I was never really satisfied, as I think we all crave love in our lives. But no matter, at least I wasn't heartbroken over some cheater or liar.
It would again be years later before I fell in love. Again, with another friend but with a twist. This guy was an old roommate. I never even thought of him in a romantic way. I was going through a very turbulent time in my life. My landlord whom I had become close to, was on a suicide mission. She attempted suicide 5 times before I finally could get moved out. She was just looking for attention. To this day, she is doing better than me. I chose to cut the chord on that unhealthy relationship.
My friend/ex roommate was a tremendous rock to me during that time. He helped me move into my very first home. Three weeks later, we became 'involved'. Needless to say, this would end up being the most toxic relationship to date. No, I'm taking that back. It will be the last toxic relationship in my life. No need to go into the details but I have learned a lesson. It's about time, eh?
Which brings me to my whole point of this particular subject. About time, right? I see people all around me in relationships. Sitting back and quietly observing them is interesting. I will constantly be amazed at people. You know that phrase "love is blind", right? More truer words have ever been spoken. People will go to great lengths to convince themselves that their mate is not cheating or lying. They will call their other friends on the phone and subject them to HOURS of endless redundant conversation. Basically just talking themselves into believing that their mate is not doing anything wrong. Now, take it from me. Don't waste your time talking to these people. Honesty is not what they want to hear. Your honesty will only subject you to even more hours of them trying to convince you that you are wrong about their spouce. I don't care if you've witnessed their spouce screwing someone on your own kitchen table. This person will not only call you the liar, but will subsequently end right back up with said cheater, and neither of them will likely ever speak to you again. Wait! That could be a good thing.
What I'm trying to say, quite horribly is that, I'd rather be alone for the rest of my life and be happy, than to have some ass hat cheating, lying, using and bringing home God only knows what, to give to me. Love is blind alright. Glad I'm not blind yet. I'm just sayin'...

Blood is thicker than water?

You know what pains me most of the time? I surf facebook, and probably about 80-90% of my facebook friends post these status messages about how wonderful their mother, father, sister, brother are. Then of course, there are the kids. "post this into your status if you have a fabulous kid". I appreciate this on some level for my friends, but it doesn't really apply to me.

I have no children, nor will I ever. I have days where it makes me sad, but not often enough to effect my everyday life. I was never in the right situation to bring children into my life. I never wanted to do it alone. I never wanted to be a burden to tax payers or anyone else. I chose the life of birth control. The one time I did have a brief glimpse of hope, was short lived. I think a higher power must of thought better of the 'union' that would of been and took care of it for me. That power knew that I should not suffer having that person in my life for the next 18 years. Personally, I thank that higher power everyday. Lets face it, it would of been a lot longer than 18 years, that I would have to deal with the father of my child.

My feeling about children, to this day is that if I ever had any, I would love them, unconditionally. I would always want to know what is going on in their lives. I would do anything for them that i could, move heaven and earth to be there for them. I am like that with my friends. Apparently, that has been a downfall in my friendships. Loyalty is not something most 'friends' require. There is rarely any reciprocation involved. It has always been something I crave. Needless to say, its an addiction for me.

Call me the 'black sheep' of the family. I never married, never had kids. Therefore, I never really amounted to much in my family's eyes, I suppose. All I ever did was try my best to provide for myself and not be a burden on them. I used to long for a relationship with my mother. I want to be one of those people that can post a status message on facebook that says, "if you have a loving mother, one who loves and cares for you, repost this". I can't do that. Everybody says actions speak louder than words. I am a firm believer of that saying.

Do I think my mother loves me? Yes. I am her child. Just not enough to actually involve herself with my life. My life interferes with hers way too much. She's too busy trying to make sure her mother regrets the way she was treated by her mother. This may be too heavy for most to read, but I'm just sayin'... we all have our bad days.

this one is from the heart...

Have you ever lost a friend? I mean, really lost someone. Maybe you should listen to me for a moment then, because I have.

I've lost many friends. Some to relationships with others. Some got married, had kids. For some reason, that factored me out of the equation. I never understood it. Still don't today. Those same people have 'new' friends that they make time for, so what does that make me? Chopped liver? Useless?

I was once told by a friend that, another friend had dropped me because I was single and her husband didn't feel that she needed to socialize with me anymore. I was there when they met. I was there during their entire courtship. Supported them when they got pregnant and married. I helped plan their wedding, was in the wedding and even helped plan their 1 year anniversary. Was there for the birth of their first child. Then BOOM, quite literally from one day to the next, they stopped accepting my calls. I never heard from them again. That hurt me deeply, and still does to this day.

This same scenario has happened to me 3 more times since then. I even had my best friend of 17 years tell me "Kande, I would NEVER do that to you" and that was the last conversation we ever had. Haven't heard from her in going on 4 years now. She of course got pregnant, married, all in that order, to someone she knew less than 6 months. She threw away a 17 year friendship over a 6 month one with some guy she fell for. Wonder how that has turned out? Hmmm...

See that face that I posted above? We lost him a few months back. He, like me, is single. Oh, you will have to forgive me, but I cannot speak of Chris in the past tense, not now and not ever. Chris is the most loyal, giving and kind man on this planet. The depths that this man would reach for you, is unexplainable. Yet, he feels lost. I feel his pain most of the time.

Here is the point to my rant, finally. People like Chris and myself are good people. We may be single which means, no marriage, no kids. That does not make us diseased. It doesn't mean we are whores, sluts and pigs. We are respectable and absolutely respect the relationships of our friends around us. We embrace our friends' children as if they were ours. We also, would never do anything to come between a relationship that a friend has committed to.

My friend Chris took his own life a few months ago. We no longer have him to talk to. He can no longer be there for us, only in spirit and in our hearts.

My message to you is, don't throw away people. Don't assume that those 'single' people in your life are too busy to talk to you, or are just not suited for your life. One day you might find that they are gone, forever. I'm just sayin'...

forget shoulder pads...

can someone please explain this fashion phenomenon to me? Now, don't even try to talk crap to me about racial profiling or anything, because white boys are just as guilty as this guy. He just got lucky because his image popped up on google first.

The thing that cracks me up about the younger generation today, is how they laugh at how men used to wear tight jeans. Hell, some of them were downright sexy. Think not? Take a look at some pictures of James Hetfield of Metallica back in the day, then shut up. At least you could get an 'idea' of what the dude has to offer.

But this new fashion statement of the jeans hanging off the ass? I said I'd like to see what they have too offer out of curiosity. I never said I'd like to see the full blown monty. Women want to see if you have a cute butt, and the whole baggy pants thing makes that impossible, but geez, I really am not that curious that you have to wear your pants hanging off the ass. We all know that boxers have that giant slit in the front. Perhaps that means that, if the sausage isn't hanging out, then you may not have all that much to offer to begin with. So why wear this? Makes me think you are pretty much giving yourself the 'short end of the stick', so to speak. So much for the mystique... I'm just sayin'.